Putting Yourself First: The Struggle of Prioritizing Self-Care In a World Where It’s Become a One-Liner
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We've all heard it before or read it on our social media feeds, "Self-care is important!" "Don't forget to take time for yourself!" And while these adages are true, they often become a one-liner joke or something else on a long to-do list. As if when you are dealing with overwhelm, stress, trauma triggers, balancing work, home, school, and everything else, a bubble bath will fix all the problems. With complete transparency, I have even found myself saying and posting these statements because self-care is essential, and every person deserves the time, space, and ability to care for themselves. But when facing traumatic experiences, life, chaos, and overwhelm, we need more than just bubble baths to care for ourselves.
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Let's be honest, life can be demanding, and many of us constantly put others' needs before our own. We juggle responsibilities, care for loved ones, and strive to meet societal expectations, often neglecting our own well-being in the process. I found myself doing this just last week! I came home and knew I needed to make something to eat before doing anything else. But instead, when I got home, I picked up the toys my kiddo had left out, loaded the dishwasher, and filled up the dog's water bowls - altogether leaving my own needs in the dust! Why did I do this after pointedly deciding that the first thing I would do when I got home was make something to eat for myself, a basic need? We live in a culture where we are constantly juggling so much that it can become second nature to us to skip over our own needs and do all the other things first.
This tendency to prioritize others over ourselves can come from our culture and can also come from our upbringing and even be a trauma response. In this blog post, we'll explore how this pattern shows up in our lives, its impact on our mental and emotional health, and practical ways to break free from this cycle and truly take care of ourselves.
The Struggle of Putting Everyone Else First
Putting everyone else first may seem like a noble act of selflessness, but it can stem from deeper roots. For many people, especially those who have experienced trauma, prioritizing others becomes a coping mechanism. Think about it this way, taking care of others' needs and even trying to predict the needs of others offers a sense of control and safety. Focusing on others' needs allows one to avoid their pain and vulnerability while also trying to maintain a status quo or homeostasis, as homes of trauma survivors often feel chaotic. Over time though, this leads to a pattern of emotional exhaustion, resentment, and an overall loss of personal identity.
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Recognizing the Signs
Putting yourself last may show up in various aspects of your life. You might notice yourself constantly saying "yes" to others' requests while neglecting your needs and boundaries. It could manifest as difficulty expressing your emotions or asserting your opinions, always deferring to others. You may experience feelings of guilt or unworthiness when considering your well-being, as if taking care of yourself is selfish or indulgent. If you are finding yourself regularly taking care of everything or everyone else before you allow yourself to sit down and take a break, you might want to take a step back and ask yourself these questions. Am I exhausted constantly and putting everything/everyone before my own needs? When is the last time I was able to do something to meet my own physical, emotional, mental, spiritual needs? Do I feel like I get those needs met on a daily basis? If you are feeling a little less than whole when it comes to meeting your needs, then you are not alone. Many people struggle to balance their needs in our go-go-go culture. AND, it is important. So what do we do?
Breaking the Cycle
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The journey to prioritizing self-care requires self-reflection and a willingness to make positive changes. It can be tough as we are working within a culture that often prioritizes doing over being. I am going to challenge you here and give you some practical strategies to help you shift your mindset and truly take care of yourself. The journey is going to start within yourself and finding the ways you need to truly take care of yourself. If there is anything I have learned so far in the journey through parenthood, it’s the fact that if you don’t make a plan to meet your needs, it probably won’t be done. And parent or not, you deserve to have your needs met and be able to take care of yourself. Schedule and create this time for yourself as sacred, because your wellness, your self-care is important.
Start with Self-Compassion: Recognize that your needs and well-being matter. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer the person you love most in this world. In fact, it may even help when those negative thoughts seep in to ask yourself “Would I be okay with insert the name of the person you love the most in this world doing XYZ to take care of their wellbeing?” If the answer is yes, then do it and don’t look back. Once you get in the groove of this, it can be easier to continue. Embrace the idea that caring for yourself is not selfish but necessary for your health and happiness.
Look at What You Need as an Individual: Take a look at your Mental, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual and Relational areas of life. Get out a notebook if that helps and list out each domain of wellness. Are you getting what you need to feel complete in these areas? What do you need to feel good about these areas? What is one small way that you can put this into action each week? Put this on the calendar and hold it as sacred time.
Set Boundaries: Learn to establish clear boundaries in your relationships. Communicate your needs and limitations openly and honestly. Understand that saying "no" when necessary is an act of self-care, not a rejection of others. Boundaries can be immensely helpful when you are holding to these self-care activities. And again, if that nagging voice pops up, try asking “Would I be okay with insert the name of the person you love the most in this world setting this boundary to take care of their own wellbeing?” And if the answer is yes, keep on trudging, if the answer is no, do some self-exploration, is the answer really no and what boundary can we start with to make it a yes so you can take care of your wellbeing.
Prioritize Self-Care Activities: Engage in activities that bring joy, relaxation, and rejuvenation and help you recharge in those different domains. It could be anything from reading a book, walking in nature, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or pursuing a hobby. Find what nourishes your soul and make it a routine.
Seek Support: Be bold and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Talking about your experiences and feelings can help you gain clarity, validate your emotions, and receive guidance on navigating the self-care journey. This also can look like something as small as asking your partner to take over on household chores for a day or asking a family member or friend to come by for dinner. Remember, if it’s replenishing to you, that’s what matters.
Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate present-moment awareness to reconnect with yourself. Mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing, body scans, or guided meditation, can help you tune into your emotions, needs, and physical sensations. This practice promotes self-awareness and allows you to respond to your needs more effectively. You can also practice just being in the moment, when you feel a smile or a moment of appreciation, lean into it and truly experience it.
Embrace Self-Reflection: Reflect on your values, dreams, and aspirations. Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-reflection, allowing you to explore your thoughts and emotions more intensely. Identify what truly matters to you and make choices aligned with your authentic self. This can also help you refine what you need in order to take care of yourself and your wellbeing, reflect on what has been working and what needs to change in order to help you find that balance of wellness.
EMDR Therapy Phoenix - Kandace Ledergerber.
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Breaking the cycle of putting everyone else first and prioritizing self-care is a transformative journey. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to your well-being. If you start to feel like you are not making progress, take a look at where you are now versus where you were several months ago. If you feel that past traumatic experiences or triggers are getting in the way of you really taking care of yourself, I encourage you to seek out a therapist that can help you in moving through the trauma and into the life you are wanting. If you are looking for an EMDR therapist here in Phoenix, please feel free to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation where we can chat to see if EMDR therapy is a good fit for you or if you are needing something else. Remember, taking care of yourself is not a luxury but a necessity. It’s not just bubble baths and long walks on the beach but an investment in yourself and your needs that create a solid foundation so you can work towards a life of wellness. It takes time to break old cycles and patterns, remember that you are worth the time and effort it takes.
