Boundaries for Trauma Survivors: A Step-by-Step Guide to Feeling Safe While Setting Limits

Photo Description: On the left of this photo is the caption “Boundaries for Trauma Survivors A Step-by-Step Guide to Feeling Safe While Setting Limits By Kandace Ledergerber, LPC/LMHC Certified EMDR Therapist” in a navy blue with a light blue background. On the right is a picture of rocks and bricks stacked to make a fence, with green scenery in the background and a wooden partial fence. the right picture is a photo by André Bandarra on Unsplash. Image conveying the different types of boundaries someone can have as a trauma survivor.

Boundaries. Just reading the word might bring up a mix of emotions—discomfort, fear, or even guilt. If you’re a trauma survivor, setting boundaries can feel almost impossible. You might know that you should set them, but when the moment comes, panic sets in. Maybe your heart races, your stomach tightens, or a voice in your head whispers, You're being too much. You’re going to hurt them. You should just keep quiet. Just suck it up.

Sound familiar?

If so, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries is hard for anyone, but for trauma survivors, it can feel like an emotional minefield. Not only are you challenging old survival mechanisms, but you’re also rewriting the very wiring of your brain. That’s huge. And also? It’s completely possible. While I want to acknowledge that in the moment it might feel like the most impossible task, I’m here to tell you that you can do it, even by just starting small.

This article is here to help you move through the discomfort, understand why boundaries feel so overwhelming, and offer you a step-by-step approach to setting limits while keeping your nervous system regulated.

Why Are Boundaries So Freaking Hard for Trauma Survivors?

To put it simply: boundaries go against EVERYTHING trauma may have taught you.

Trauma—especially relational trauma—often conditions survivors to prioritize the needs of others over their own. Whether it was growing up in a household where saying "no" led to punishment, being in relationships where your boundaries were ignored, or experiencing any form of abuse that made you feel powerless, the message was clear: Your needs don’t matter. Keep the peace. Stay small to stay safe.

Over time, this survival strategy gets reinforced. The brain learns that avoiding conflict or people-pleasing is the "safest" option. So when you start setting boundaries, your nervous system reacts as if you’re doing something dangerous—because in the past, advocating for yourself was unsafe. Your brain sends you a giant flaming red flag, even though nothing is actually on fire.

But here’s the thing: you're not in that past anymore. And learning to set boundaries now is how you show your nervous system that you are in fact actually safe.

Photo Description: A weathered blue wooden gate stands slightly ajar between two stone walls, leading to a white house under a bright blue sky. This image symbolizes healthy boundaries—offering both protection and openness to new possibilities in healing and personal growth.

Photo by Daria Nepriakhina 🇺🇦 on Unsplash

Why Boundaries Are Necessary for Healing

Boundaries are not about pushing people away—they’re about creating safe, sustainable relationships. Often times, people don’t know we need a boundary in place until we express it. Whereas in other situations, a relationship may be an unsafe space where boundaries are needed. In either case, boundaries are there to help us.

Here’s what boundaries can do for trauma survivors:

✔ Restore a sense of control – Boundaries allow you to reclaim agency over your life, relationships, and energy. Trauma robs us of our sense of control and agency, so this is a huge one to start taking back one bite at a time.

✔ Reduce anxiety and overwhelm – When you stop overextending yourself, your nervous system gets a break. Yes, I know, at first it won’t feel like that as you uphold the boundary your brain might be fighting against holding. But in the long run, you get the chance to rest and listen to your own brain and body, not just the messages you’ve been told by trauma.

✔ Help you feel safer in relationships – The right people will respect your boundaries, which strengthens your sense of emotional security. Let me say that one again a little louder for the people in the back. The RIGHT people will understand and hear you. This can be a hard one to hear and accept.

✔ Support your healing process – Setting and enforcing boundaries rewires your brain, reinforcing new neural pathways that say: I am worthy. My needs matter. I am safe. This is huge, because your brain is literally unlearning old patterns and learning healthier (and more accurate) ones.

And perhaps most importantly: Boundaries teach your nervous system that it is okay to have needs—a fundamental part of healing from trauma. After all - you are a human being with needs (and that’s okay) you are not a robot.

Step-by-Step Guide to Setting Boundaries

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So how do you actually do this? I know it can be overwhelming, but let’s break it down.

Step 1: Identify Where You Need Boundaries

Start by noticing where you feel drained, resentful, or overwhelmed. These feelings are clues that a boundary might be needed. Some common areas include:

• Work (e.g., not answering emails after hours)

• Family (e.g., limiting conversations about triggering topics)

• Friendships (e.g., saying no to plans when you’re exhausted and tapped out)

• Emotional space (e.g., not being the constant "go-to support therapist" for others)

Step 2: Expect Discomfort and Normalize It

If setting a boundary makes you anxious, that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It just means your brain is adjusting because setting a boundary is something that’s new. Your nervous system is used to old patterns, so stepping outside of them might feel unfamiliar—even threatening.

Remind yourself: Discomfort does not mean danger.

Step 3: Practice Saying It

Finding the right words can be tough, especially when emotions are high. Try using these scripts:

• "I can’t take on anything else right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me."

• "I’m not comfortable with that topic, can we talk about something else?"

• "I need some time for myself today, let’s catch up another time."

You don’t have to explain yourself endlessly or justify why you’re setting the boundary. Keep it simple.

Step 4: Regulate Through the Boundary

This is key: setting the boundary is one thing—soothing your nervous system afterward is another.

Right after setting a boundary, you might feel guilt, fear, or even a trauma response (heart racing, nausea, dissociation). This is normal. Your body is reacting as if you’ve done something wrong. But you haven’t. Remember that.

Try these regulation techniques after setting a boundary:

🧘‍♀️ Deep Breathing – Inhale for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for six. If the hold feels too restrictive, skip it, but make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale.

🖐 Grounding Exercises – Notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.

🚶‍♀️ Movement – A short walk, shaking out your hands, or stretching can release built-up tension.

📖 Journaling – Write about what you’re feeling and remind yourself: I am safe. I am allowed to have needs.

Rewriting Your Brain: The Science Behind Boundaries

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Photo by Cassidy Phillips on Unsplash

Each time you set a boundary, you are literally reshaping your brain.

Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself—means that every new behavior strengthens certain neural pathways. If you’ve spent years people-pleasing or avoiding conflict, your brain has a well-worn "path" that tells you, keeping others happy keeps me safe.

But when you start setting boundaries, you’re creating new neural pathways that say, I can have needs and still be safe. At first, this new path feels unstable, like stepping into fresh snow. But the more you practice, the stronger that path becomes.

Every time you set and hold a boundary, you reinforce this new reality. Over time, your brain starts to accept it as the norm. And eventually? Setting boundaries won’t feel like walking through fire—it will feel like second nature.

What to Do If Someone Pushes Back

Not everyone will love your boundaries—especially those who benefited from you not having them. If someone reacts negatively, remember:

1️⃣ Their reaction is about them, not you. People who respect you will respect your limits.
2️⃣ You are not responsible for managing their feelings. You’re allowed to set boundaries even if it disappoints someone.
3️⃣ Stay firm. You don’t have to backpedal. Reaffirm and/or repeat your boundary and disengage if needed.

TL;DR

You Are Allowed to Take Up Space.

Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming for trauma survivors, but it’s a vital step in healing. Trauma conditions us to prioritize others over ourselves, making "no" feel unsafe. This guide explores why boundaries feel so hard, how they support healing, and offers a step-by-step approach to setting and maintaining them—without guilt. Learn how to regulate through the discomfort and retrain your brain to feel safe asserting your needs.

👉 Key Takeaway: Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re necessary for self-respect, safety, and emotional well-being.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. And most importantly—it’s possible. You are not selfish for having needs. You are not hurting others by taking care of yourself. You are simply learning how to exist in relationships in a way that feels safe, sustainable, and authentic.

So take a deep breath. Start small. And remind yourself—every time you set a boundary, you are reclaiming your voice, your worth, and your life.

Photo Description: Kandace Ledergerber EMDR Therapy Phoenix, A smiling woman with short curly red hair wearing a sunflower-patterned dress, surrounded by lush green sunflower plants. Sunlight filters through the leaves, creating a warm and inviting atmosphere.

If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, know that you don’t have to do it alone. EMDR therapy in Phoenix and EMDR therapy in Tempe can help you process past trauma, regulate your nervous system, and feel safer advocating for your needs. If you're ready to step into a life where your boundaries are honored—starting with yourself—I’d love to support you. Reach out today for a free 15-minute consultation where we can chat to see if I’m the right provider for you.

My Specialties Include EMDR Therapy Tempe, EMDR Therapy Phoenix EMDR Therapy Intensives, Anxiety, Sexual Abuse, and Cycles of Family Trauma.

If you found this article helpful, check out What to Expect in Your First EMDR Therapy Phoenix Session: A Step-by-Step Guide in What I Do as a Certified EMDR Therapist and these guided visual meditations that I use as EMDR Therapy Resources in my clinical work!