How to Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself
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Why “Should” Feels So Heavy
“I should be able to handle this by now.”
“I should be further along.”
“I shouldn’t need this much rest.”
“I should just say yes so no one is disappointed.”
If even reading those sentences makes your shoulders tighten, or your thoughts speed up, you’re not alone. For many people, the word should isn’t neutral territory. It carries pressure. Urgency. A quiet threat that says, If I don’t do this right, something bad is going to happen.
In my work with clients who struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, I find that “should” shows up constantly. Not because they’re unmotivated, or doing life wrong, but because at some point their nervous system learned that being capable, accommodating, or self-sacrificing was safer than slowing down or listening to what they actually needed.
“Shoulding” is rarely about discipline or willpower. More often, it’s a survival strategy that stuck.
What “Shoulding” Really Is (and Why Anxiety Keeps It Alive)
“Shoulding” is the internal voice that turns expectations into rigid rules. Rules about how you ought to feel, respond, perform, or cope. These rules are usually laced with anxiety and self-judgment rather than care and kindness.
For many people, this pattern forms early. You may have learned to:
Anticipate other people’s needs
Be the peace-keeper
Be emotionally low-maintenance
Perform well, even when overwhelmed
Anxiety keeps this system running by constantly scanning for risk. When the nervous system is stuck in threat mode, staying ahead, stay helpful, stay “good,” maybe nothing will fall apart, maybe everything will be fine. Over time, that vigilance becomes internalized, and the pressure never really turns off. The nervous system never learned that it’s safe, and those habits of overperforming and bending over backwards have kept going in overdrive.
This isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because your nervous system learned that self-pressure once equaled safety.
If you want to understand how your nervous system learned to stay on high alert in the first place, I walk through this more deeply in When Trauma Triggers Take Over: Understanding Your Nervous System & How EMDR Therapy Helps You Heal
The Hidden Cost of Living by “Should”
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On the outside, “should” can look productive, responsible, and even loving. And can sound like “Wow, I can’t imagine how you get all that done!” or “No matter what, I know I can always come to you with any problem, day or night.” But internally, it often leads to chronic exhaustion and burnout.
Many people find themselves stuck in a familiar loop:
Giving 110 percent to work, family, or relationships
Feeling emotionally and physically drained
Telling themselves they should be taking better care of themselves
Beating themselves up for not having the energy to do so
Eventually, even rest and self-care start to feel like obligations you’re failing at.
If “should” actually worked as motivation, you would feel better by now. Instead, the pressure grows louder, rest feels undeserved, and self-trust slowly erodes.
This isn’t a personal flaw. It’s what happens when worth gets tied to performance and safety to rest wasn’t as supportive.
Why “Should” Isn’t a Willpower Problem
Many people understand logically that their expectations are unrealistic. And yet, the pressure doesn’t stop as the knee-jerk reaction is to continue going at full speed until they collapse. That’s because anxiety doesn’t live in logic. It lives in the nervous system.
Self-criticism often develops for a reason. It may have helped you feel safer, avoid conflict, or manage unpredictable environments. When that’s the case, simply telling yourself to “be nicer” or “let it go” can feel impossible, because the body has learned this response as a safety mechanism, so “letting it go” could feel more like a threat than a help.
Your nervous system isn’t trying to be harsh. It’s trying to keep you safe.
That’s why lasting change doesn’t come from forcing new thoughts. It comes from creating enough internal safety for the pressure to loosen on its own. Approaches like EMDR therapy focus on helping the nervous system feel safe, not just teaching the mind to think differently.
How to Gently Interrupt the “Should” Cycle
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You don’t need to eliminate every “should” thought to move forward. Trying to do that often just becomes another standard to live up to. Instead, the goal is to notice the pattern and soften it, one moment at a time.
Notice when you are “shoulding.” Literally.
The next time you notice yourself thinking or saying an “I should…” statement, pause and notice it. Jot it down on your phone if that helps. Every time. This isn’t about fixing the thought or arguing with it. It’s about awareness.
Awareness alone begins to shift the dynamic, especially when paired with gentle grounding and regulation practices. You move from being inside the thought to observing it.
Question the expectation, not yourself.
Ask gently:
Is this a realistic expectation?
Would I expect the person I love most in the world to live up to this?
Would I expect them to meet this expectation 100 percent of the time?
Often, the answer is no. And that tells you something important about how much pressure you’ve been carrying.
Find the wiggle room.
Instead of asking how to do this perfectly, ask yourself:
How can I give myself some grace, compassion, or kindness here?
If that feels hard, picture the person you love most in the world standing where you are. What would feel reasonable to ask of them? Can you offer yourself the same care?
Start implementing these steps one “should” at a time.
This work isn’t about changing everything at once. It’s about small interruptions that add up.
The more often you notice the messages you’re telling yourself, the more power you take back. Simply catching the unrealistic expectations you place on yourself can begin to dismantle these persistent “shoulds,” creating more space for choice, agency, and self-trust.
When “Should” Has Roots in Earlier Experiences
For many people, these internal rules didn’t appear out of thin air. They’re often connected to earlier experiences where you learned who you needed or what mask you needed to where, in order to feel safe, loved, or accepted.
When that’s the case, insight alone usually isn’t enough. Your body remembers what your mind understands.
This is where trauma-informed therapy becomes important. Healing isn’t about blaming the past (or the people in it). It’s about helping your nervous system recognize that those old rules are no longer required for survival.
If you’ve ever felt frustrated that insight hasn’t translated into relief, you’re not alone—and that gap is exactly what EMDR therapy in Phoenix is designed to address.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help Quiet the Inner Pressure
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In my work offering EMDR therapy in Phoenix, I often support clients in processing the experiences where these “shoulds” were formed. EMDR allows us to reprocess memories that taught your system it had to stay on guard, perform, or self-correct in order to stay safe.
Rather than forcing change, EMDR helps create space. Space for rest. Space for choice. Space to hear your authentic voice without the constant overlay of pressure or criticism.
Many clients notice that as their nervous system settles, the inner critic softens as well. Not because they’re trying harder, but because they no longer need self-criticism to stay protected.
You’re Not Broken for Feeling This Way
If you live with constant internal pressure, nothing about that means you’re failing or doing something wrong - in fact, I would say the opposite. For most of your life, I would guess that your nervous system has been operating in overdrive as a form of self-preservation. It means your nervous system adapted intelligently to what it once needed to survive.
But here’s the thing: change doesn’t come from becoming stricter with yourself. It comes from safety, understanding, and support.
If you’re tired of second-guessing yourself, feeling like you’re never doing enough, or living under constant internal urgency, you don’t have to navigate that alone. I offer EMDR therapy in Phoenix and would be honored to support you. When you’re ready, you’re welcome to reach out for a free consultation.
About the Author
Photo Description: Kandace Ledergerber, trauma therapist in Phoenix offering EMDR Therapy - smiling in a sunflower field, representing growth and healing.
Kandace Ledergerber, LPC/LMHC, is an EMDR-certified trauma therapist offering EMDR therapy in Phoenix and Tempe, Arizona, as well as virtual EMDR therapy for clients in Florida. She works with high-achieving adults and trauma survivors who feel stuck in overthinking, anxiety, perfectionism, or long-standing survival patterns.
Kandace specializes in trauma-informed EMDR therapy and EMDR Intensives, helping clients move out of survival mode and into greater nervous system safety. Her work goes beyond traditional talk therapy, supporting people in processing trauma held in the body so they can feel more grounded, connected, and at home within themselves again.
TL;DR — A Softer Way to Work with “Should”
Constant “should” thoughts are often rooted in anxiety, perfectionism, and survival patterns, not personal failure
“Shoulding” tends to increase burnout and self-criticism rather than motivation
You don’t need to eliminate these thoughts, just notice them
Gently question whether your expectations are realistic or compassionate
Look for small amounts of wiggle room instead of perfection
Over time, awareness helps loosen the grip of internal pressure
Trauma-informed approaches like EMDR therapy can help heal where these patterns began
