Craving Closeness but Keeping Everyone at Arm’s Length - The Perfectionist’s Dilemma

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Photo Description: A coastal ocean scene with rolling blue waves under a cloudy sky. A translucent blue overlay sits centered over the image with white text reading “Craving Closeness but Keeping Everyone at Arm’s Length” and a subtitle, “The Perfectionist’s Dilemma.” Beneath the title is the author line, “By Kandace Ledergerber, LPC/LMHC, Certified EMDR Therapist.” The imagery evokes emotional depth, distance, and longing while maintaining a calm, grounded tone.

It’s late at night, and you finally sit down.

Your body is heavy. Your shoulders ache in that familiar way — the kind that comes from holding everything together all day. You did what needed to be done. You showed up. You took care of people.

And yet, beneath the exhaustion, there’s something else.

Loneliness.

Not because no one is around, but because you feel unseen inside your relationships.

I wish I didn’t feel like I had to take care of everything and everyone, you might think.

As your mind drifts, it replays old memories where you learned these lessons early on: be responsible, don’t need too much, stay composed. Somewhere along the way, you learned that keeping things together and keeping people comfortable was the safest way forward.

Striving for perfection wasn’t about choice — it was survival. But survival often comes with a cost. In this case, the mask of perfection can leave you feeling achingly lonely.

Perfectionism wasn’t about achievement.

It was about survival.

And while it once protected you, it may now be keeping you at a distance from the closeness you actually crave.

Wanting Connection But Not Feeling Safe Enough to Let It In

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Photo Description: Person sitting alone on a couch with head resting on hand, symbolizing exhaustion, loneliness, and emotional struggle

You’re often the one others lean on.

The listener.
The steady one.
The person who can handle things.

But when someone asks, “How are you really doing?” your body tightens. Words catch in your throat. You default to answers you’ve practiced:

• “I’m fine.”

• “Just busy.”

• “Hanging in there.”

Not because you’re dishonest, but because telling the truth feels risky.

So you keep people at arm’s length, close enough to stay connected but far enough away to stay safe.

And that push–pull can feel incredibly lonely.

Why Trauma Teaches Us to Keep Distance

If this were a course, it might be called Survival 101.

Lesson one: Don’t let them get too close.

For many people, early relationships taught this lesson clearly. Maybe being yourself led to criticism from others, rejection, emotional unpredictability, or even harm. Maybe love felt conditional, something you had to earn by being easy-going, capable, or low-maintenance.

Your nervous system adapted, which is understandable and, quite frankly, a superpower.

Over time, it learned:

• Vulnerability leads to pain

• Needs create risk

• Distance equals safety

And so, perfectionism became the shield. Your nervous system adapted to find ways to protect you. If people only see the polished, capable version of you, they can’t get close enough to hurt you.

But they also can’t get close enough to truly know you.

That’s the paradox.

The very strategies that once kept you safe may now be keeping you isolated.

The Cost of the Mask

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Photo Description: Person holding a black mask outdoors, symbolizing the mask of perfectionism trauma survivors often wear.

This is why the pull of connection feels so brutal — one part of you knows closeness is essential, while another part panics at the risk.

As humans, we are wired for connection. Our nervous systems regulate in the presence of safety, attunement, and trust. Belonging has always mattered, both biologically and emotionally.

But trauma complicates this wiring.

Now you live in tension:

• One part of you craves closeness

• Another part braces for impact

Perfectionism promises protection and says, “If I don’t need, I won’t be hurt.”

But it also comes with a cost.

This pattern shows up often in people struggling with anxiety and perfectionism, not because something is wrong with them, but because their nervous system learned that staying guarded felt safer.

Holding the mask in place can lead to:

• Emotional exhaustion

• Burnout and resentment

• Difficulty knowing what you actually feel or need

• Relationships that feel “fine” but not deeply nourishing

This is also why perfectionism can sometimes feel safer than slowing down or resting, a dynamic I explore more deeply in Why Perfectionism Can Feel Safer Than Stillness.

There’s a difference between solitude that feels grounding and distance that feels suffocating. Trauma-based perfectionism often traps people in the latter.

Why Vulnerability Feels So Risky And Why It Still Matters

I know, I know. Often, even just reading the word “vulnerability” makes some people cringe.

That’s because vulnerability is risky. It involves uncertainty, emotional exposure, and the possibility of disappointment.

That fear isn’t irrational.

But here’s what trauma often hides: not all closeness is dangerous.

For many people, the fear of being seen shows up as a constant internal pressure. This quiet belief that you should be handling things better, needing less, or staying more composed (because after all, isn’t that what your environment trained you to do?). This inner voice can become heavy and relentless, a pattern I explore more in Why “Should” Feels So Heavy.

Healing doesn’t mean opening yourself to everyone. It means learning discernment, noticing which relationships show green flags of safety, respect, and care.

And vulnerability doesn’t have to happen all at once.

It can look like:

• Saying “I’m tired” instead of “I’m fine”

• Naming a preference or boundary

• Saying no — and watching how the other person responds

Each small experience gives your nervous system new information: closeness doesn’t always lead to harm.

Helping Connection Feel Safe Again

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Photo Description: Close-up of two people gently holding hands, representing safe connection and vulnerability.

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to be vulnerable overnight.

It’s not about tearing down walls you once needed (which, by the way, can throw your nervous system into hyper-defense mode).

It’s about slowly teaching your nervous system that closeness can feel safe again.

This is where EMDR therapy in Phoenix and Tempe can be especially supportive. EMDR works with both the brain and the body to reprocess the experiences that taught you that you had to stay guarded to survive.

As those memories shift, many clients notice a change:

• From “I have to be perfect to be lovable”

• To “I’m allowed to be real and still belong.”

The mask doesn’t have to be ripped off. It can be gently set down.

If you’d like to learn more about the EMDR process and what sessions actually look like, you can read more here: What to Expect from EMDR Therapy Phoenix.

Five Gentle Ways to Practice Connection

If vulnerability feels terrifying, you’re not broken, you’re responding exactly as your nervous system learned to.

You don’t have to start big.

1. Start with your body: Before opening up, ground. Notice tension. Breathe. Feel your feet on the floor.

2. Test the waters: Practice small honesty with people who’ve shown emotional safety.

3. Watch behavior, not words: Green flags often show up as listening, respect, and consistency where as red flags show up as minimizing, dismissing, and using vulnerability against you.

4. Give yourself permission to step back: Pulling away isn’t failure, it’s information.

5. Practice in safer spaces: Therapy, support groups, or carefully chosen relationships allow new patterns to form with support.

Craving closeness while fearing it isn’t a flaw. It’s your nervous system doing its best to protect you. Those perfectionist patterns are proof of survival, not proof that you’re broken. And while survival mode may have been necessary once, it doesn’t have to be where you stay.

With support, it’s possible to begin loosening perfectionism’s grip. You can move toward relationships where authenticity feels safer than performance, where connection feels steady instead of scary. Whether through EMDR therapy in Phoenix and Tempe or through other spaces that honor your pace, healing is about learning that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

About the Author

Photo Description: Kandace Ledergerber, trauma therapist in Phoenix offering EMDR Therapy - smiling in a sunflower field, representing growth and healing.

Kandace Ledergerber, LPC/LMHC, is a certified EMDR therapist offering EMDR therapy in Phoenix and Tempe, Arizona, as well as virtual EMDR therapy for clients in Florida. She works with adults healing from trauma, attachment wounds, anxiety, and long-standing survival patterns such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional self-silencing.

Kandace specializes in trauma-informed EMDR therapy and EMDR Intensives, helping clients move out of survival mode and into greater nervous system safety, self-trust, and emotional freedom.

TL;DR — Craving Closeness Isn’t the Problem

• The Pattern: Perfectionism often develops as a survival response to trauma.

• Why It Happens: Your nervous system learned that vulnerability wasn’t safe.

• The Cost: Burnout, loneliness, and emotional distance.

• The Hope: Healing is possible. EMDR therapy in Phoenix and Tempe can help reprocess old beliefs so the connection feels safer.

• First Steps: Start small, track safety, honor boundaries, and practice in supportive spaces.