The Lies Trauma Taught You: How Survival Roles Shape the Way We Show Up in the World
Photo by Rawan Ahmed on Unsplash
Photo Description: A soft blush and gray banner with the title “The Lies Trauma Taught You: How Survival Roles Shape the Way We Show Up in the World.” The image shows a single green fern growing through cracks in rock, symbolizing resilience and healing through trauma. Written by Kandace Ledergerber, EMDR therapist in Tempe and Phoenix, Arizona.
Trauma isn’t always loud.
Sometimes it sounds like a deafening silence that roars inside your home.
Sometimes it sounds like over-apologizing when there was nothing to apologize for.
Sometimes it looks like keeping everyone happy, fixing every problem, or making yourself small so no one feels uncomfortable around you.
These aren’t character flaws. They’re survival roles — brilliant, protective patterns your nervous system built to keep you safe when safety was not guaranteed.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:
“I just want everyone to be happy.”
“If I don’t fix it, everything will fall apart.”
“I’m too emotional. I need to tone it down.”
You’re not broken — you’re human. And you learned these roles for a reason.
In this series, we’ll explore how trauma shapes these patterns, how they influence the way you show up in the world, and what healing can look like through EMDR therapy and trauma-informed care.
How Trauma Teaches Us to Play Roles We Never Chose
Photo by Rawan Ahmed on Unsplash
Photo description: A bright green fern pushes through a crack in dark stone — a visual metaphor for growth after hardship. The image represents how trauma survivors can find new life and stability through trauma therapy and EMDR in Phoenix and Tempe.
When a child grows up in an environment where emotions are unpredictable, love feels conditional, or care feels inconsistent, the body learns to adapt. Humans are very adaptable, especially when it comes to finding a way to survive.
It doesn’t matter if the threat was physical or emotional — your nervous system only knows perceived danger.
Some children become the peacemaker — scanning for tension, making sure everyone else is okay.
Others become the fixer — solving problems before they explode.
And some become the quiet one — shrinking to avoid rejection or shame.
These roles helped you survive then, but in adulthood, they often lead to anxiety, burnout, and disconnection. I think it’s also important to note that these roles could have been developed to what our brains and bodies perceived as a threat as well.
“What trauma taught you isn’t permanent — it’s adaptable, just like you.”
The Body Remembers the Roles We Played
Even years later, your body remembers and will continue to play out the role it has needed to play. In fact, people often will gravitate towards relationships, families, friendships, careers, and even hobbies that can reinforce their need to be in this role. Because, after all, even though it might not feel “good” or “safe,” it is familiar. And when the familiar strikes a chord, when our old protective patterns rise, our bodies signal the next action to remain safe.
The peacemaker’s shoulders tighten when voices rise.
The fixer’s stomach knots when things feel out of control.
The quiet one’s throat closes when it’s time to speak.
These aren’t personality quirks — they’re protective reflexes. Ones that were purposefully built to protect against a real or perceived threat.
The goal of healing isn’t to erase them, but to help your body realize it doesn’t have to keep protecting you in the same way anymore. After all - you are no longer the child who had to read everyone’s facial expressions to ensure their happiness, or the one who navigated their worries and stressors for them to maintain a level of balance in the home, or the one who was told that their emotions were too much to handle. That small child still lives within you, but can be shown they do not have to live in fear.
When your nervous system learns that safety no longer depends on perfection, control, or silence, it can finally rest — and rest is where healing begins.
A Glimpse Inside the Therapy Room
I often hear clients say, “I don’t even know who I am when I’m not managing everyone else’s emotions.” or “The thought of just being with myself is absolutely terrifying.” When we trace that belief back, there’s almost always a younger version of them underneath — one who was just trying to prevent another explosion or keep someone from leaving.
When that part feels safe and seen, the need to keep performing begins to soften. That’s the moment therapy starts to shift from survival to self-growth. It is so incredibly powerful, honoring, and humbling to watch someone go from thinking they have to hold it all in or all together to realizing they are allowed to take up space and be human. There’s something special in that transformation from pain, and something unique about where it came from.
This is the first post in a three-part series exploring the survival roles trauma taught us to play. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be diving deeper into each role — the peacemaker who keeps everyone happy, the fixer who holds it all together, and the quiet one who learned to stay small. Each piece will offer reflection, compassion, and practical ways to begin unlearning those old patterns. Stay tuned — links will be added here as each post is released.
The Series: Unlearning the Lies Trauma Taught You
💛 I Have to Keep Everyone Happy — The Lie Trauma Taught You Love Is Earned
When love felt tied to other people’s moods, you learned to perform for peace. This post explores how people-pleasing begins as protection — and how you can feel safe being your authentic self, even when others are uncomfortable.
🌿 I Have to Fix It — The Lie Trauma Taught You Control Equals Safety
When life felt chaotic, control became your armor. This post explores how the “fixer” identity grows from fear of helplessness and how EMDR therapy in Phoenix helps rebuild safety from the inside out.
🌸 I’m Too Much — The Lie Trauma Taught You to Shrink to Stay Loved
When emotions were too big for others to handle, you learned to make yourself small. This post reminds you: you were never too much — they simply weren’t taught how to hold space the way you needed.
Why This Matters
Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash
Photo description: Two dirt paths split in a quiet, green forest, suggesting choice and transformation. The image reflects the healing journey — choosing to move from survival toward self-discovery.
Understanding these trauma-driven roles isn’t about blame — it’s about reclaiming choice. In this day of social media (while there are certainly drawbacks), we are also reminded quite often that too many people get burned by the impact of trauma. As people (for the most part), we do the best we can with what we have until we know better, and then we do better. This, I believe to be true for generations before us, even when unintended wounds occurred.
Many of us come from generations of people doing the best they could with what they had. That context doesn’t excuse harm, but it helps us stop carrying it.
You can hold two truths at once:
What happened to you was not okay.
And you no longer have to let it define who you are.
When your body experiences true safety, something profound happens:
✅ You stop over-apologizing.
✅ You stop needing to fix everything.
✅ You stop shrinking to be accepted.
You begin living instead of surviving. You start tuning into your authentic self, what you want and need in your daily life, and the micro-moments of joy, safety, and connection.
“Healing means letting the little version of you — the one who tried so hard to keep everyone safe — finally rest.”
How EMDR Therapy Helps You Let Go of Survival Roles
In EMDR therapy, we work directly with the body’s memory network — the moments when these beliefs (“I have to keep everyone happy,” “I have to fix it,” “I’m too much”) were first formed.
Clients are often surprised by what surfaces:
“I forgot all about that moment… but it makes sense that it connects to this belief.”
Through EMDR reprocessing, your brain and body learn new truths:
“I can be loved even if someone is upset.”
“I can rest, even if something goes wrong.”
“I can be seen and still be safe.”
In my Trauma Therapy practice in Phoenix — and through EMDR Therapy in Tempe and online across Arizona — I help trauma survivors reprocess these old, painful beliefs so they can live from a place of calm, balance, and self-trust again. If you’re curious how EMDR works and want to learn more, check out this article: What to Expect from an EMDR Therapy Session
Photo description: Kandace Ledergerber, a certified EMDR therapist in Phoenix and Tempe, Arizona, smiles surrounded by tall sunflower plants. Sunlight filters through the leaves, evoking warmth, compassion, and safety — qualities central to her trauma therapy practice.
Closing Reflection
You don’t have to keep performing the roles trauma wrote for you.You have choice in this. You can unlearn the lies and come home to yourself.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new — it’s about remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.
You can live free, grounded, and fully yourself. And that’s some of the most sacred work there is.
If you’re ready to stop living in survival mode and start reconnecting with your true self, EMDR Therapy in Phoenix might be the next step to help. You can learn to trust your body again, release the pressure to fix and please, and finally feel safe taking up space.
Reader Reflection Prompt
What role do you notice showing up most when you feel unsafe or unseen?
What would it feel like to set that role down — even for a moment?
