How to Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself
What is "Shoulding" and Why Anxiety Plays a Part
"I should be able to do this." "I should be farther in my career by now." "I should have been able to handle that better than I did." "I shouldn't have said that." "I should just go to make them happy."
Any of these sound familiar? Do you have a sense of uneasiness and stress just reading these statements? If they sound familiar and bring up a feeling of anxiety, you are not alone. The act of "shoulding" ourselves often can come from a lifetime of learning that we "should" be more concerned with the needs and welfare of others before we can look at our own. In other words - our needs come last.
Why "Should" Statements are Not Effective for Life
Why this is an ineffective way of doing life - The act of "shoulding" often leads us to go 110% for everyone and everything else, leaving us little to no energy for ourselves. This often transforms into "I know I should be taking care of myself better, I just feel like I don't have the time or energy" and we beat ourselves up for not having the energy we "should" to care better for ourselves. It's a vicious cycle of taking care of others, feeling drained without the energy to really take care of ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not doing a better job of taking care of ourselves, feel defeated and then return to trying to make everyone else happy. Like I said.. a vicious cycle.
Small Steps to Stop the Cycle of "Shoulding" and Take Back Personal Power
Notice when you are "shoulding" Literally. The next time you notice yourself saying an "I should" statement, jot it down on your phone. Every time.
Question it. Is this a realistic expectation? Would I expect the person I love most in this world to live up to this expectation? Would I expect them to live up to this 100% of the time?
Find the wiggle room. Ask yourself, "how can I give myself some grace, compassion, and kindness?" If this is difficult to imagine, picture that person you love most in the world, imagine what would be reasonable to ask of them, can you ask the same of yourself?
Start implementing these steps one "should" at a time.
The more often you just notice the messages you're telling yourself, the more power you are taking back for yourself. Just catching the realistic expectations, we're putting on ourselves can help dismantle these pesky "shoulds" statements giving us more power and control.
Working with trauma and anxiety, I have found EMDR therapy can be very helpful in processing past memories where these “shoulds” were born. If you are tired of questioning yourself and want to feel confident in your authentic voice, reach out to me today for a free consultation.
